Welcoming The Girl In The Red Dress.

“So tell me about yourself?”
This groan worthy question makes regular appearances in many social situations, namely the awkward blind date your best friend set you up on, with a man who apparently looked like a younger version of Brad Pitt yet sitting in front of you was a boy who looked more like Sean Penn’s great grandfather and not Angelina Jolies sex god of a partner. As well as the time you attended your boyfriend’s house party and ended up stuck in a group which unfortunately consisted of his ex girlfriend who was obviously plotting your death in her mind. As basic communication skills deteriorate you would assume these five tedious words would be a formula to kick-start a great conversation and break the ice right?

WRONG.

What the hell are you expected to say? You don’t want to go off on a one man monologue but you don’t want to be rude, either way you will leave a bad impression.
If you decide to go down the positive route listing off all your achievements and secret pleasures such as the time you met Alex Perry on a plane and he said you would be an amazing model, you will leave the other person thinking you are an arrogant snob who is obviously too smitten with themselves. However if you go down the depressing route, telling them you just left jail for violent conduct towards your ex-husbands divorce lawyer, you will leave them fearing for their lives and calling an insane asylum as they ‘conveniently’ have to go to the bathroom.

Unless you want to come off as a supreme egotist or crazed serial killer your best bet is to just smile and nod (possibly hiking up your skirt along the way) and start praying they will be so mesmerized by your beauty (and not gawking at your cellulite ridden thunder thighs) they will forget they even asked such a stupid question to begin with.

Unfortunately I do not possess such luck (however I do posses cellulite ridden thunder thigh and love handles along with many other lovely lady lumps but alas, this is not the time to self-loathe about my appearance) so I am obligated to tell you about me, myself and I.

Please note: I highly advice taking some panadol and grabbing chocolate and vodka before proceeding.

I assume that everyone has been pondering wondrously at why my name is “The Girl in the Red Dress”. I am positive this morbid curiosity has caused some distress and sleeplessness for those who have been starving to know. Well wonder to more because I am about to tell you, and to be honest, it’s not that exciting. Majority of the reason is a very boring, legal one yet it is someone crucial to my safety. I have decided not to use my real name as for all I know, you could be some balding morbidly obese paedophile who likes stalking and abducting fashion obsessed independent young women who have an unhealthy adoration for writing and Chap Stick. The second crucial reason comes from my own Red Dress (pauses for a moment to hear gasps of shock and whispers of “no way, I never would have guessed”). I know its absurd right? But I’m sure we can handle it, this Red Dress isn’t just ANY Red Dress, no sir-ree, this dress has been my love, my life, my soul, my pathway to confident care free and successful nights out with the girls and the guys. Whilst wearing this Red Dress I met my current boyfriend whom I love very much and you will be hearing about constantly. He even brings up the dress every so often, we’ll be sitting on the couch devouring ourselves in pasta and watching trashy TV (think Neighbours and Biggest Loser...Amazing) and he’ll state “You know babe, the first time I met you, you were wearing that gorgeous Red Dress and you looked so beautiful in it” then I blush and smile modestly secretly proud I looked hot in that $159 dress.

As I’ve mentioned before I am a “fashion obsessed independent young woman”. I love fashion, I just love it, I cannot describe how excited I get walking into a shopping centre and seeing all the gorgeous Wayne Cooper dresses lined up and displayed on gorgeous dark mannequins. Although, unlike majority of other fashion gurus who have “loved fashion ever since they can remember” or remember “when I used to play dress ups in my mum’s clothes” there was time where I hated fashion, I despised it, I turned my nose up at it as I run out to the paddock with bare feet and a flannel on, running around with the horses, sleeping in the stable (YES, I know, in the stable, with horses, hay and flies) for days at a time. Luckily, something as changed within me, I became more hygienic and along with that my love of fashion skyrocketed to the extent that I cannot go two days without experiencing withdrawal symptoms if I have not gone shopping. I am also extremely independent, I HATE having to depend on other people to do things for me, I like doing what I want, when I want, however I want and getting places all my by myself. I crave control over my life, and if I don’t have it, all hell breaks loose.

Okay, I must stop there before I start sounding extremely weird and scaring people. In the near future you will learn about me and what I like, I will discuss topics of...a wide range, just whatever I feel I need to put my two cents worth into.
Thank you for making this far, all feedback will be appreciated.

The Girl in the Red Dress ox